Angelica (pink_angels) wrote in ed_search,

Breathe ladies.....

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI had a binge last night. It might not sound like much of a binge to you, but to me it was really bad and I barely slept because of it. I don't think I even got 4 hours. I had a slice of toast and jam - and I only did half my alloted exercise time. I have my period and my legs just would not move - even though I did have a 300 cal dinner and Stacker earlier in the day. I feel disgusting. Then I ate some sweets this morning. I have alot of walking to do today though which makes it a bit easier - maybe after I am exhausted from exercise then I will feel clean again. I feel dirty - I just want to go up to the bathroom and drown myself really, make myself clean somehow, or else take the breadknife to my thighs... god I hate them. They have shrunk, but then they just make my arse and calves look chunkier. They should be made to pay either way, hehe :)Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI'm trying to be easy on myself, to be understanding but the trouble is when you feel like a person in your head only and you are trapped inside this body which is ugly and misshapen you really don't care too much what happens to it. I am body dysmorphic, I have AN with bulimic episodes, and I compulsively exercise. The only thing that would bother me about if I fractured my ankle would be not being able to exercise and how I'd not be able to eat at all. I do not want to die but I have very little regard for my body, the 'outer shell' if you like. My thoughts, my neurosis, my intelligence is me, the rest is just the husk of genetic matter I happen to inhabit. Is anyone else here very very detached from their own body? I can't actually remember a time when I didn't feel like that. Even as a child I didn't mind blood being taken or injuring myself - I just used to be very calm and look at what was going on with an almost morbid fascination. Because I can feel it, but it's strange when you get sensations but they feel wrong because the body isn't something you actually associate with being 'you' Know what I mean? My childhood was so totally fucked it's no wonder I was never 'normal'.
I'm leaving email comments on with this post because I'd be interested to hear any comments you have about BDD and alienation from your own being. I will pop them together on the site if that's okay. They might be useful to someone. I started a new online Clique - basically because so many of the others are full of dead links and I hope that everyone with a site or journal will take a minute to apply. The code is a copy and paste job - no need to host an image and it will only take you five minutes max.
Just visit the site @ - if you are viewing in IE then the join box will be in a popup on the front page - if not there is a text link to get to the clique page on the left hand side of the page, just below the 'BookMark Us' link.

Remember the MESSAGE BOARD is open (we post news articles up there daily too so it's a good place to go for information) and so too is the BUDDY LIST - loads of people posted their histories on there as well as their contact mails, so thanks for that. Feel free to do so if you haven't already :) Remember the main site IS NOW OPEN @ so PLEASE browse over when you get a minute and take a look. :) I have a bunch of shops which sell our own merchandise, as well as ED related books, videos and supplements at great prices which you can buy online. IF I sell anything from the shops I get a tiny commission payment which goes directly back into paying for the ad-free for the webspace and other features like the forum and buddy list. I pay for these out of my pocket and the site has been high bandwidth since using, so the shops were set up as a place to give people what they may be looking for at good prices, as well as helping me keep the site going.

I always put this in my entries and it's not intended to piss anyone off. The only advertising that ana-sites can have is with each other lest we all get shut down, so all I'm doing is offering my place to anyone who wants to visit and get involved. If you send me an affiliate request I'm happy to link to you, whether you are a journal, community or website. There is an affiliate request form up on the links page or of course you can choose to join the Clique instead. I offer free Pro-Ana website templates for those who are not particularly HTML literate and will happily help out with GFX requests for other pro-ana places on the net. So many of the sites are just not there anymore, so it would be great if the existing ones and new ones can co-exist and support each other, so that everyone gets to know all the places to turn to for friendship and support. That is what my place is about. No prayers. No creeds. No bullshit - just real people with a common bond who want a place to be and speak freely without fear or rejection or persecution. Thanks to those who have let me know about their journals and websites. There are still some fantastic places out there. I hope if you are reading this that you will let me know about your oan site or journal soon.
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